Coping, Life, Struggle

Life Update (Trigger Warning: Suicide)

Hi everyone!

It’s been a while since I last updated my blog. Life got a bit crazy, and I wanted to give an update on what’s been going on since July. A lot has happened that I wanted to share.

But before I get into that, please be aware that I will be talking about suicide in this post. If you’re not in a good place to talk or think about suicide right now, please take care of yourself. Don’t read this post if it will make your mental health worse.

Anyways, now onto my semester.

A little while ago, I finished the fall semester of my senior year of college. As many of you know, I’m an English major. Normally, I enjoy school, and it can sometimes help distract me from my anxiety.

That didn’t happen this time. That didn’t happen because something very tragic and heartbreaking occurred a few weeks into the semester. One of the English professors at my university died by suicide on campus, in the building where I take classes.

It was devastating, to say the least. I didn’t know this professor, but the English department at my university is small. Everyone knows each other, and many of my classmates and professors knew the professor who died. Everyone was shocked and devastated, and a lot of people were very hurt by what happened.

As for me, the suicide took its toll mentally, emotionally, and physically. The suicide occurred on a Sunday, and I had to go back into the building that Wednesday to meet with one of my professors and attend class. Entering the building were the professor took their own life was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life. I’ll never forget what it was like to go to class that day. Everyone was so downcast and upset that it felt like being at a funeral. Being in class that day felt like being trapped in a nightmare. Everything felt so out of control, and I was terrified.

Not surprisingly, my anxiety was through the roof. I started having panic attacks again, after going 18 months without having them. I feared that I would witness someone hurting or killing themselves, and I even began to fear that another bad event would happen. If that happened, I feared that it would destroy me.

I also became very irritable at my classmates, and sometimes even my friends. Soon, it became too hard to deal with people, so I started to isolate myself. If I wasn’t in class, eating in the dining hall, or at one of my weekly socials, I stayed by myself at my apartment. I was numb, exhausted, and on the verge of tears all the time, and I didn’t know how to feel better.

I even stopped talking to my friends about what happened. What happened was so tragic and mind-boggling. I couldn’t wrap my head around it or understand it. How would my friends ever understand what I was going through when I barely understood it?

Things eventually got to the point where I needed more help. Over the break, I saw a trauma specialist, in addition to my regular therapist and psychiatrist. Things went well, and I’m finally getting some much-needed relief.

That being said, this was the hardest semester I’ve experienced in my entire college career. I don’t wish a semester like that on anyone, and I pray that no one else has to experience something like that. If you have experienced a tragedy like this, then please accept my heartfelt sympathy and apologies.

I’ve been doing better since the semester ended. I’ve been back at home for Christmas break for a while, and I’ve had the chance to catch up on sleep, eat more nutritious meals, exercise, and attend various mental health appointments. Things are slowly but surely getting better.

That being said, this past semester took a lot out of me, and it’s going to take a while for me to recover from this. But I know that things will get better. Like most people who battle mental illnesses, I’ve had rough patches before, and things always get better.

In the meantime, I need to prioritize self-care. This will probably mean taking a break from Anxiety Free World until I graduate in May. I will return to blogging, but I’m not sure when. When I do come back, I will be in a much better place emotionally.

Let me leave you with this: No matter how bad things get, things will always get better. Please don’t struggle alone. Reach out and seek help. Things will get better.

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or actions, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA) at:

  • 1-800-273-8255
  • 1-888-628-9454 (en español)
  • 1-800-799-4889 (deaf/hard of hearing)
  • 1-800-273-8255 (veteran crisis line)

For the most up-to-date numbers, click here.

For emergencies, please call 911 (or your local emergency number) or go to your nearest emergency room.